as Cold as Ice - Dave

Andrew Snow was an unlucky young lad who had a condition which, to survive, meant that his body temperature had to be at a consistent 10 degrees below freezing all the year round.

To achieve this, the family moved to the most northern part of Alaska, where this was not a problem in the winter, particularly since he also had his own custom built-igloo, complete with ‘central freezing’ to live in.

Spring and summer were a different kettle of fish though. To achieve his essential body temperature, the family would dispatch him, pre-frozen to Antarctica and Iceland, the two coldest places for a lad with his condition to spend his time during these particular seasons.

Relationship-wise, he had a mixed childhood. The local lads all saw him as a bit of a freak and by nature of his condition would give him the cold shoulder, but girls on the other hand all thought he was rather cool.

It all came to a head though, one winter's day, back in Alaska. He had often seen a young lady from the window of his igloo, who warmed his heart which was, given his condition, a situation he really could not afford to be in. He was, however, in love and having no desire to act cold-hearted towards her, casting caution to the wind, ventured out onto the patio to make contact.

Sadly though, a combination of her love for him, his love for her and a burst of unusually warm winter sunshine melted not only his cold, cold heart but the rest of his anatomy too.

Two hours later, his parents found what was left of their poor son. A large puddle of, by now, rapidly freezing water soaking into the cold stone surface of the patio, his favourite cap and a single winter rose he had purposely picked for her, floating on the surface.

Since this was no occasion for a regular funeral, there being no remains, Mr and Mrs Snow did the next best thing. On the very spot where he died, they had beautifully engraved the following details :

‘In Loving Memory of our Wonderful Son. RIP Andrew Snow.

which, given the unfortunate location and circumstances of his demise, could also quite aptly be interpreted as ‘Rest In Patio’.